I am a dichotomy. I am mature in some aspects, and still a kid in others. I can handle all the physical pain you throw at me, but give me mental stress and I fall apart. Given the choice between going through this week again and run a marathon each day, I would have picked the repeat 26.2's.
School has not turned out has planned. There is the initial strangeness when your parents leave you and it doesn't hit you until your noggin touches the pillow that "Holy hell, I don't live at home anymore." This, I can deal with. There is the point where your phone breaks. This was harder. There is the momet when your Microsoft Office won't install because they didn't give you the product number and you realize you can't do your homewrk. At this, I started to get a little unnerved. There is the time when your WiFi goes out, your roommate is gone, and your dorm has left for dinner so you have no way of calling home to tell them that you now have no internet connection to check email to figure out when your Dad is driving up with a new phone. This is when my blood started to boil. There is the time you have to drive home to do said homework and get said phone. On the way home, I counted down exit signs. There is the time you get lost going to class. I tried to enjoy the extra time I had to sit and enjoy the weather, but then I looked down and saw the blister on my ankle from walking in shoes I hadn't yet broken in. There is the time you skip multiple meals because you can't find anyone to go to the dining hall with you. My stomach eventually just stopped growling, allowing me one less thing to worry about.There is the time when you want to crawl in bed and read and everyone else is going out to party and gives you a look. I tried to ignore those looks.There is the time when you wake up and realize, "I am not suppose to be here."I couldn't ignore this.
If there is one talent I have besides running, it is the ability to ignore my inner self. I can shut up my concsience quite well; I tell myself what I am doing is right when it isn't, and wrong when it is. Back when I applied to colleges, I had no idea what I was looking for; I didn't know what size I wanted, what majors I was interested in, or even what part of the states I wanted to be a resident of. The entire process I felt so lost- my mind craved time, but as is often the case in life, time was in short supply. Before I knew it, my applications were in the mail and I was playing the waiting game, half-hoping that the admissions committees would make it easy for me and give me only one option. That is not quite what happened- I passed up a great institution with a scholarship for a bigger school because I thought that is what I need. A big school with lots of spirit, athletics, and a variety of people. Then I got to that school. And felt overwhelmed. I wished and begged to be somewhere else almost every second I was there. The only enjoyable part of the week? Walks around the town in the morning and night, where I was alone with the sidewalk and my thoughts. Running was hardly possible this week; I barely had time to eat, much less workout. I got in 2 runs the entire time, but I knew I was in a low place because I was craving those 60 mile weeks again. When things get rough, I grab my Mizunos, and I have never wanted to lace up those babies more in my entire life.
So what to do now? Well, there is a lot to figure out, but I am trying to be optimistic. As my Dad put it,"It isn't about how you start the race, it's about how you finish it." So whether I stay there or take a semester off, I know that in the end, I will still be crossing that proverbial finishline with my hands up and a smile (and hopefully my racing Stunna shades).
No comments:
Post a Comment